deep inside of you

i have never been a particularly emotional person. in fact i have sometimes been accused of having a lack of emotions. or having none at all. i think i've been afraid of showing how i feel. afraid of letting others know my true feelings. i hide behind this wall, trying to protect myself. don't ask me why. i wouldnt be able to tell you as i have no clue myself. I think this time, i let myself down. dropped that wall. allowed myself to open up. allowed myself to get hurt.

For some reason i've been playing How's It Gonna Be by Third Eye Blind for the past couple of days. really easy song to play. Just need an acoustic guitar and a capo (thanks Andrew, Yin, Alex and Yiing Y'ng for the bday present btw. came in handy at the perfect time :D) I think it reminds me of him. It hurts when i play it. (ok... but why do i still do it? sheesh) I know i shouldnt be thinking of him. I know it's not worth it. I can't even listen to certain songs without thinking of him.. Dammit. Music has always been important to me. but now i cant even listen to the songs i like.

anything by third eye blind (especially 'deep inside of you'), the freshmen by Verve Pipe, lips of an angel by Hinder, all that i've got and under pressure by The Used, vindicated and hands down by Dashboard Confessional, even justin timberlake's sexy back. It's so stupid. I think i'm dumb to post this. But i'm gonna do it anyway. I think by letting it out i feel better. i guess the saying is true. 'the first cut is the deepest'. I dont care what people think. cos for once i'm gonna have my moment of selfishness. For once i'm gonna do something for my own sake and my own only. Say whatever you want to say. Cos it's only gonna make me stronger. Don't you dare call me weak and pathetic cos this is how i cope and this is how i do things. so there.

i'm out.